Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fings ain’t wot they used to be

A couple of days ago I was loafing about in the dolly, but after a while I thought I really must get out of the cat and go for a ball of chalk.

So I did, and I have to say that when my minces fell on the linens, while walking along the frog, I had such a shock that I thought my raspberry had missed a beat. I got straight on the mobile dog to the duchess.

“Hey, turtle”, I said. “You will never Adam ‘n’ Eve it.”

“What?” she said.

“I’ve just seen the headlines. The J Arthur is going to have Matheson on its ATMs. You’ll be asked to insert your bladder and then you’ll be able to take out some sausage.”

“Yeah, right”, said the Mrs. “You’re such a holy friar. Why don’t you make yourself useful and help me lay the cain ready for Lilley?”

“No, chance”, I replied. “I’m off to the rubber for a double I’m so, to calm myself down. I tell you, it’s enough to make me want to pay for everything with a goose’s neck.”

Translation

The piece above uses rhyming slang. This is a language developed in London by the criminal underworld in order to make it difficult for others to know what they were talking about. The slang is formed by using a word or expression that rhymes with the word you actually want to use. A lot of the time, only the first part of the phrase is used, making it even harder to interpret. Some of these terms have entered common usage.

For example, the expression ‘use your loaf’ comes from ‘use your loaf of bread (ie head)’.

I used a book called A Load of Cockney Cobblers, by Bob Aylwin, which I don’t think is in print any longer, and The Web’s Greatest Dick ‘n’ Arry of Cockney Rhyming Slang.

Anyway, here is the translation:

A couple of days ago I was loafing about in the garden (Dolly Varden, or dolly), but after a while I thought I really must get out of the house (cat and mouse) and go for a walk (ball of chalk).

So I did, and I have to say that when my eyes (mince pies or minces) fell on the newspapers (linen drapers or linens), while walking along the road (frog and toad, or frog), I had such a shock that I thought my heart (raspberry tart, or raspberry) had missed a beat. I got straight on the mobile phone (dog and bone, or dog) to the wife (Duchess of Fife, or duchess).

“Hey, love (turtle dove, or turtle)”, I said. “You will never believe (Adam ‘n’ Eve it).”

“What?” she said.

“I’ve just seen the headlines. The bank (J Arthur Rank, or J Arthur) is going to have rhyming slang (Matheson Lang, or Matheson) on its ATMs. You’ll be asked to insert your card (bladder of lard, or bladder) and then you’ll be able to take out some cash (sausage and mash, or sausage).”

“Yeah, right”, said the Mrs. “You’re such a liar (holy friar). Why don’t you make yourself useful and help me lay the table (Cain and Abel, or cain) ready for dinner (Lilley and Skinner, or Lilley)?”

“No, chance”, I replied. “I’m off to the pub (rub-a-dub, or rubber) for a double whiskey (I’m so frisky, or I’m so), to calm myself down. I tell you, it’s enough to make me want to pay for everything with a cheque (goose’s neck).”

This story was inspired by the news

that some ATMs in London will feature instructions in rhyming slang. Fortunately, that’s optional: you can elect to have them in normal English if you prefer!

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